Yesterday was one of those days when the wound of infertility was removed, one of those days where the wonderful circumstances of the birth of a Niñ @ arrival in the life of a son of potatoes that are important to me, take me to visit the "place" (Plant nursery) to me as a woman infertile, it becomes rather painful, full of symbols of loss, not lived full of rituals, full of sensations and feelings experienced ... for me is a physical space can temporarily disturb my emotional state, a place to develop my events that can cause feelings of loss, is a place full of memories that fuel for a moment my sorrow for biological motherhood.
long ago Alex and I decided not to visit this place for the pain they caused, we preferred to visit the children of our beloved popes out of that place, at home the pain seemed more subdued. We put la excusa de no ir para no molestar el merecido descanso de las nuevas mamas, sin embargo el motivo real era “no molestar” ni despertar a nuestros “monstruos” internos. A lo largo de todo estos años, ha habido muchos momentos como el de ayer, en los que era inevitable no acudir y sabíamos que a pesar y por encima de nosotros mismos, ¡teníamos que estar allí! participando del momento de felicidad de los que queremos. Compartir la felicidad desde un sentimiento de alegría es fácil, pero compartir la felicidad desde un sentimiento de dolor, eso ya es otra cosa, se llega a conseguir (creo que con el tiempo Alex y yo lo hemos logrado) pero eso cuesta, cuesta y mucho y sino “intentad sonreir cuando estéis How easy is it sad? ". Paradoxes of life a moment of happiness in one's life involves a painful memory of mine.
Despite the emotional revolution felt yesterday with a visit to "prohibited place", I realized that this time it was not like the other times I visited, this time was different, the pain I felt had nothing to do with memories of a desired child, nothing to see. I think the difference is because I feel that I have (or will have) a child and although there is in my belly, it exists in my mind ... he is there now and not before.
I think as a woman I felt was the result of loss of sensations and feelings associated biological motherhood. As a woman infertile, events like yesterday's "poke" without permission on your wound, reminding you at every step, what you've lost and what will never experience, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding ... those first moments never feel so special ... never, never ... can idealize it, I do not mind it that way, I feel I'm missing something so important and so tied to our nature as women, which I think always will feel, the emptiness of life will never be filled, that piece of the puzzle missing.
admit my feelings of loss, it does not look ahead and not foster enjoyment of my way and my "other" maternity. I often think how lucky we are and will to enjoy experiences that most people will never have in your life, for example, most live birth, but few experience the emotions of the "encounter" with his hij @. Today, despite my feelings of loss, would not give my child never Adoptive @ @ for biological motherhood experience. @ My child there and so into me, that the phrase "son of my womb" I fall short, to reflect how I feel about my future @ Niñ.
Again I tell you to come soon, your absence begins to make "a dent" in your parents.
long ago Alex and I decided not to visit this place for the pain they caused, we preferred to visit the children of our beloved popes out of that place, at home the pain seemed more subdued. We put la excusa de no ir para no molestar el merecido descanso de las nuevas mamas, sin embargo el motivo real era “no molestar” ni despertar a nuestros “monstruos” internos. A lo largo de todo estos años, ha habido muchos momentos como el de ayer, en los que era inevitable no acudir y sabíamos que a pesar y por encima de nosotros mismos, ¡teníamos que estar allí! participando del momento de felicidad de los que queremos. Compartir la felicidad desde un sentimiento de alegría es fácil, pero compartir la felicidad desde un sentimiento de dolor, eso ya es otra cosa, se llega a conseguir (creo que con el tiempo Alex y yo lo hemos logrado) pero eso cuesta, cuesta y mucho y sino “intentad sonreir cuando estéis How easy is it sad? ". Paradoxes of life a moment of happiness in one's life involves a painful memory of mine.
Despite the emotional revolution felt yesterday with a visit to "prohibited place", I realized that this time it was not like the other times I visited, this time was different, the pain I felt had nothing to do with memories of a desired child, nothing to see. I think the difference is because I feel that I have (or will have) a child and although there is in my belly, it exists in my mind ... he is there now and not before.
I think as a woman I felt was the result of loss of sensations and feelings associated biological motherhood. As a woman infertile, events like yesterday's "poke" without permission on your wound, reminding you at every step, what you've lost and what will never experience, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding ... those first moments never feel so special ... never, never ... can idealize it, I do not mind it that way, I feel I'm missing something so important and so tied to our nature as women, which I think always will feel, the emptiness of life will never be filled, that piece of the puzzle missing.
admit my feelings of loss, it does not look ahead and not foster enjoyment of my way and my "other" maternity. I often think how lucky we are and will to enjoy experiences that most people will never have in your life, for example, most live birth, but few experience the emotions of the "encounter" with his hij @. Today, despite my feelings of loss, would not give my child never Adoptive @ @ for biological motherhood experience. @ My child there and so into me, that the phrase "son of my womb" I fall short, to reflect how I feel about my future @ Niñ.
Again I tell you to come soon, your absence begins to make "a dent" in your parents.
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